Driving us crazy

You've heard of the film "Driving Miss Daisy" - well Balloon Bear does "Driving us Crazy.

Trying to watch a Grand Prix on the TV is a nightmare with this Bear who insists on sitting in front of the TV screen waiting for the in car footage so he can pretend he's driving the Formula One car.

There are of course arms and legs everywhere as he has no idea of clutch, brakes or steering for that matter - in fact he seems to think it all happens merely by rolling from side to side (with the odd jolt forward under hard breaking.

Still it's all better than his joining in with Bond Films....

We had a big "all hands to the pump" emergency yesterday with Balloon Bear.

An airship was spotted in the sky over our village and Bb had to be whisked upstairs to view it from a special perch on the window sill.

Six hours later - long after the airship had gone we remembered he was still up there. We found him on the floor legs in the air - but still smiling.

Thank goodness his attention was still airbourne!

The Pig finally got his wish last week - a holiday that didn't involve anything trying to eat him.

We took them to Cyprus to a wedding (they didn't go to the party - far to high a risk!) so the Pig got to sit on a beach at last.

For years he's been going on about wanting a beach holiday so he can soak up some rays, and he certainly enjoyed his time on a lunger. Balloon, of course wasn't so keen. It seems Bears don't like it too hot - though the idea of catching some fish did appeal.

A kind friend in our village gave us some rhubarb.

Not a problem for most people - indeed it would be regarded as a wonderfully generous gesture. Here however it has caused panic.

Little Brown wants to get it cooked - not just stewed, but some fancy recipe he saw on the TV using it with smoked fish! Now much as we'd love to humour him, we just don't have the fish - so stewing it is. We'd also best get it done before the inevitable LB tantrum which will end up with the rhubarb being used as a weapon.

It's also a bit worrying to see Little Brown's reading coming along - OK we called up the web site, but it looks as though he can recognise the word "fish".

I see trouble ahead. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.








By the way here's the recipe
http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/hotsmokedsalmonwithr_91054

Trying to watch a film on TV can be a frustrating way to pass a few hours here.

Pigs, Bears and Rodneys seem totally incapable of sitting quietly whilst watching any film. They are either living every moment, in the case of action films they like, or finding other ways to create havoc in the case of films they don't.

Take yesterday for example - the film had clearly lost their interest (possibly as it had subtitles) - so all hell broke loose as Balloon Bear threw something at the Pig, who retaliated with a throw back which hit Rodney who thought it was Little Brown so he threw something at him, who in a fit of pique threw something back which hit Balloon Bear's "Doggy" which started the mother of all rucks (a free for all tusstle for none Rugby speakers).

Now you try concentrating on a film with this all going on around you on the sofa. We've tried the lot - threats to send them upstairs, burying them under cushions, no TV warnings - but nothing seems to get through. Guess watching TV in this household just has to be seen as an occupational hazard of being guardian to a Pig, Two Bears and a Rodney.

It's been a good couple of days for Bears.

First we celebrated balloon Bear's birthday. In fact we were a week or so late, but the beauty of dealing with Pigs, Bears and Rodneys is none of them have a clue about days of the week, let alone dates in the year. They only know it's their birthday when we walk in with the cake singing "Happy Birthday".

Balloon was delighted - though a little disappointed we hadn't got him the huge gun he wants as a present.

Then yesterday it was Little Brown's turn for a treat - Steven Seagal in "Under Siege" on the TV. We were about to head off to bed when a little channel hopping stumbled across his all time favourite film.

LB knows every line and enacts the film scene by scene as Steven Seagal slots bad guys left right and centre. His "bestest bit" is the line "I also cook" - class!

The only downside is The Pig and Rod now want something - every day is a challenge with animals as needy as these!

One solution the Pig tried to protect himself from all the things out to eat him in Africa was the old Tortoise shell ploy.

Unfortunately this didn't work as
a) Kapamba Bush Camp might have been a little naffed off if we had taken the shell
b) It wouldn't fit in the bag
c) He heard a graphic description by Gilbert, our wonderful guide, of how big cats get at the meat of a tortoise.

The Pig is now thinking "guns - lots of guns".

The problem with taking Balloon Bear and the Pig on Holiday is they do so much like having their picture taken.

Staying at some lovely lodges we were lucky to have some great locations for pictures - so good even the Pig came out of hiding to have his "pictumumer " taken.

Here's one of the Pig and Bear with a sculpture of a Wild dog - one of the Bear's favourite animals.

The Pig had to be persuaded it wasn't a real doggy before he'd sit with it.

Balloon's penchant for stupidity shows itself yet again as he poses on a carving of a Buffelant - a rare cross between an Elephant and a Buffalo.

He now fancies a career as either a rodeo rider or a mahout.

Only in a room did the Pig feel any where near relatively safe - and only then because we tell him that mosquito nets are magic and can stop any predator that might be interested in eating him.

Of course this ruse started to leak when we discovered a couple of snakes in the room and became very cautious of getting in and out of bed in the dark - the Pig couldn't work out why we didn't trust the mossy net to scare away anything nasty!

As you can see BB doesn't worry about huge animals with bit pointy teeth - on the contrary he thinks they are all his friends and waves to everything.

We saw these lions in South Luangua national park in Zambia and were it not for the fact we were already searching our luggage for frogs Balloon was trying to bring home as pets we've no doubt he would have hatched some sort of plan to bring a lion home with him as a pet.

And so the trauma is over for another year.....

We've just returned from holiday in Zambia, a wonderful country with fantastic people - but African holidays are full of angst.

First of all there's the leaving home bit. Rodney and Little Brown clearly get upset at being left out, but as they won't leave the house there's little we can do other than tuck them up in bed and leave them the remote control for the telly.

Once we're away Balloon Bear isn't a problem - he loves watching wildlife (though he will insist on waving to monkeys despite warnings they will come and kidnap him and pull off all his armies and leggies!).

It's the Pig who gets the heebee geebies about holidays in Africa. He thinks everything is out to eat him and is very cautious of coming out of the bag. Normally he can't wait to have his picture taken, but on these holidays he burrows as far down in the day bag as possible. His paranoia even has him taking sides with the Bear who for ten days at kleast is his bestest buddy in the whole wide world (arse kicking returns as soon as he lands at Heathrow).

How pleased was the Pig to be back in front of his own TV, telling Rodney and Little Brown how brave he was faced with a roaring Lion charging out of the bush on the back of a rabid Elephant supported by robot dragons and giant man eating snakes.

We'll post some of the pics of the Pig and Bear in Zambia (more of the Bear obviously) shortly.

Well, the dirty (or rather undirty) deed has been done.

They've just had their annual (well almost) wash, and three days on they are just about talking to us. At least this time we have protected their modesty a little and have not posted pictures of them huddled up to a radiator drying out.

It's an exercise of almost military precision when they go in the washy-machine. First we grab Balloon as he's most likely to alert the others - off with his shirt and into a pillow case - then grab the Pig - ignore squeeling and wriggling , off with grubby shirt and into the bag, next Little Brown - he can't move as fast as the others (being a bit of a traditional Rugby Prop build if you know what I mean) , so it's an easy catch, shirt off and into the bag - then Rod, who is doing the happy dance because he thinks the wash is a flume ride at a fair ground, he jumps in the bag on his own once his shirt is taken off.

Then it's into the machine and time to turn the TV up so we can't hear the complaints from three and bubbly laughter from Rodney.

Once out it's time to face the music - they're not happy - even Rod looks rather glum as the fun seems to have worn off somewhat.

In the meantime it's new shirts for them all - this means a couple of hours sewing up shirts of different sizes and adding numbers and roses to them - finally we have four clean smeling and smart looking animals in England Rugby shirts again. It won't be long until they are in a state once more, but until then they are at least semi presentable.



Just as well the Pig hasn't figured out the clean up was all in preparation for going on holiday to Africa again................ May won't be his best month.

Serious trouble in the household this morning.

At some point in the night Little Brown has decided to make a deep incursion into the Pig's space between the pillows in bed - leading with his backside.

The Pig was squashed up against the bed head this morning and I can see the prospect of some major league pay-back some time later today.

The Pig was already in a bad mood before he even went to bed last night because Balloon Bear won another "Who done it" when we all sat and watched a Midsomer Murders. It's uncanny how one so dumb can get it right so often. To make matters worse the suspect the Pig chose ended up being the third victim - he was madder than a mad thing on mad day with a bag of mad to hand out to passers by.

Perhaps a trip to the shops might cheer him, up....

The problem with burrowing in bed has raised its ugly head again.

Everyone has their place and there's a place for everyone. An easy enough concept you'd think, but not for Rodney and Little Brown who still insist on making incursions into the Pig's sleeping place between the pillows.

It infuriates the Pig, making him madder than a mad thing on international mad day. When they do burrow in to his "lair" the effect lasts all of the following day with the Pig launching attacks at every opportunity as payback for his comfort being destroyed.


The problem is this isn't an easy habit to break. In Rodney's case we think he burrows just to be close to the Pig, and in Little Brown's case he does it for the devilment and doesn't care what we say or what the Pig does to retaliate. As far as he's concerned it's all good sport.

The one surprising glimmer of positivity here is Balloon Bear. BB doesn't burrow ever. I'd like to say it's because he has some sense of the hurt it causes the Pig, but the truth is it's because he's busy at work hugging. Thank goodness he's a professional.

Some might say we spoil the Pig and Bear.

They've just been down to Twickenham again this weekend to see England play scotland. Needless to say the victory was appreciated by both. A strange occurance before the game though - a fox on the pich! Balloon wanted to take it home as a pet of course.



The dreadful news from Japan has affected all four of them. The top of the back of the sofa has been a popular place to sit all of a sudden.

The Pig was the first to react to the news reports, taking to the high ground, followed quickly by Rod, then the two bears. No matter how much we tell them Japan is an awfully long way away and that there are no Tsunamis in North Leicestershire they're taking no chances.

The Pig's fears may come home to roost though as Rodney will probably burrow his way into the Pigs sleeping spot tonight again seeking security.

Happy Birthday Little Brown

(Just hope he doesn't find out we didn't bake the cake ourselves!)

WoW!!!

What a weekend the Pig and Bear have just had.

They've been to Twickenham to see England play Italy in the six nations and then on to Leeds to see Leicester Tigers play Leeds.

It all started early on Saturday morning when they were driven down to London. This in itself was a treat for two reasons. First the very generous chap who was taking us all out for the day has a very nice Mercedes. The Pig and the Bear aren't really into cars (unless of course it's a big truck with tinted windows etc in the case of the Pig or a formula one car in the case of the Bear) but in this case they made an exception as the car had Tvs in the back of the seats for the passengers in the back to watch.

Sorry the photo of them watching TV is a bit blurry - the car was moving and they were wriggling quite a lot.

The next highlight was witnessing a bit of serious road rage on London's North Circular. We were driving along when we had to pull out to get past two cars rather badly pulled over in the inside lane - sniffing an "axibump" the Pig was on full alert. We didn't see any damage to the vehicles but we did see one fella punch the other - who quickly bounced off the floor to his feet to commence the fight back - as we disappeared off up the road we left them slugging it out.

Needless to say had we been going anywhere else other than Twickenham the Pig would have made much more of a fuss about either stopping or turning around to get a better view.

So on to better things - Twickenham where 15 fellas slug it out with 15 other fellas.

Here's the Pig outside the stadium.

Twickenham has to be their next favourite place after Welford Road (home of the Leicester Tigers). The Pig was particularly taken with the pre-match show involving abseiling marines, whilst Balloon was interested to see what would happen if one of the ropes broke.

Balloon of course had to be kept well under control. We don't let him drink beer for obvious reasons - but that doesn't stop him trying.

You can see how he had to be grabbed by both legs to stop him taking a swig!

So Pigs and Bears were finally got under control and England went on to achieve a fine victory over Italy (though the boys were upset that Italian prop Martin Castrogiovani who plays for Tigers got a yellow card for being naughty).

The following day their weekend was made complete with a trip to Leeds to see Tigers play Leeds in the league. This wasn't so much fun as it was absolutely persisting down with rain - and Pigs and Bears don't like getting wet, so they had to spend most of the game well trussed up in a ruck-sack. Even so you could still here them cheering Tigers on. Nice to know they do somethings without falling out.

Their stories about cars with TVs, road rage punch ups, Twickenham and Leeds certainly made Little Brown and Rodney very envious - but sadly not quite enough to encourage them to leave the house next time.

Another "who-dunnit?" - this time Lewis set in Oxford.

Balloon Bear didn't get the murderer, but he did identify both murder victims before they "got the good news".

As no-one else identified the killer BB decided this was something of a triumph

We suspect Balloon Bear may have been moonlighting as a model for one of the Daily Telegraph's cartoonists...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/cartoon/?cartoon=8304101&cc=8306265

Last week saw the last episode of Midsomer Murders, a TV who-dunnit which has been the source of much enjoyment and angst amongst the boys over the years.

It all started some time ago when we were all sat watching an episode. Before the opening credits had even finished (always a waste of time for Pigs and Bears who can't read them anyway) Balloon Bear pointed at a character on the TV saying "he did it". Annoyingly it turned out he was right.

From then on every episode became a competition to see who could identify the murderer - the Pig, two Bears and Rodney all trying to super sleuth their way to success.

In fact it clearly had more to do with petty prejudices and sheer luck than any detective work - indeed we had to introduce a rule of no accusations until there had been a murder after some nasty scenes when accused characters became the first victim thus ruling the accusing Bear, Pig or Rhino out of the competition.

So the rules are (for those of you who may want to play in the future) - no accusations until there has been a murder - all accusations to be made within a half hour of the first murder - no taking account of any plot / clues / or form whatsoever (though there have been a number of occasions when the Pig has identified the Policeman as the killer which really doesn't work so we had to introduce a sub clause into the rules to allow him to take advice on this and change his call) - no changing your call once you have made an accusation and no changing should your accused become the (inevitable) second victim.

The fun is straight after the first "Mudder" when there is a flurry of pointing and gestures from the boys indicating who they know for sure has done it (yes, yes, yes - at least three and often four of them are disappointed come the end of the programme). They each spend the rest of the show up until the arrest (and sometimes after) going nuts every time their accused appears.

So - last week was the last ever Midsomer Murder (or was it?????). Balloon quickly made his call (as so often it's usually the first character he sees after the murder) - and uncannily he was right again. His triumph made all the more sweet by the fact the Pig's accused was the second murder victim (much happy dancing and taunting to that as you might guess).

He even made me take a picture of him in front of the TV as the murderer was led away.

You might want to turn away now in case you don't want to know who did it...

Balloon Bear had a very nice surprise on Saturday - a hot air balloon nearly landed in the fields opposite the house.

What a flap though - we had to rush him upstairs to the window with the best view, and then there was no moving him for hours afterwards in case it came back (despite being obsessed with balloons he still hasn't figured out they don't choose where to go they get blown by the wind).

Later in the afternoon the Pig, Bears and Rodney sat down to watch the rugby on TV - England A playing Italy A in which a couple of their Leicester Tigers heroes were playing. You'd hope it would tire them out a little but no - they are as much trouble as ever, though at least the in fighting does get put on hold when they're all watching the same team play

We have Bear problems...........

There's a programme on TV at the moment in which Michele Roux takes a group of young people and trys to teach them how to serve in a restaurant. It's a bit like "The Apprentice" for waiters.

Little Brown was unbearable (see what I did then ...) last night wanting to sack various contestants, and being powerless to do so taking it out on Pigs, Rodneys and other Bears who happened to be sitting within striking distance.

Balloon in particular received a nasty boot accross the living room, so severe in fact we had to step in and issue a full public warning to Little Brown. He's now under double secret probation - one more cheffy outburst and it's no cooking TV of any sort.

Of course he'll play dumb and pretend he has forgetten when he next loses it - or blame it on one of the others for doing a "Pooing" mime whenever there's melted chocolate shown in a recipe on TV. But last night he went too far - and he won't get away with it again.

Until next time.....

It's early days yet, but the Pig and Bear have launched a web site (OK they don't actually do any of it themselves as the Pig's trotters and Bear's paws are way to chuncky for a keyboard and , of course niether of them can read or write anyway - so we have to do it for them).

As yet we haven't bought a short form address for them, but you can see what we're doing here http://balloon.giving.officelive.com/default.aspx

A while ago whilst out cycling I spotted a small dog - one of those give away animals Mc Donalds were giving away with burgers - thrown away lying at the roadside. I stopped and picked it up straight away as I knew exactly who would appreciate it.

Balloon Bear has always wanted a pet ( in fact every animal he sees on TV he wants as a pet) so I thought this would do the trick.

As it is he's now infatuated with his "Doggie" though he does sometimes need reminding that he has to look after it, and it does get neglected when BB is watching an action film or rugby.

2011 has started particularly well for Balloon Bear.

There has been a week of James Bond films on TV followed late at night by the last Test Match in the Ashes series between Australia and England. Now BB likes his cricket - he bats bowls catches every ball and loves to see Aussies getting beaten.

Last night Balloon Bear was singing with the best of the Barmy Army, the crazy group of travelling England fans who go to watch the team play all over the world - but especially Australia. His favourite song is the one which ends by repeating "Barmy Army" again and again - though he changes it to "Barmy Balloon Bear". Rather apt really.

Meanwhile last night was 12th night, so the Christmas tree came down. Rodney spent most of yesterday sat underneath it hoping to delay the inevitable, but we eventually managed to pack all the Christmas stuff away without further protests. We do suspect however that he has stashed some baubles away here and there and he definitely has a piece of tinsel pushed up his jumper.